We meet a partner, fall in love…….and believe in the ending “happy ever after”
Right? But in reality that seldom happens.
Why? We are brought up to believe once we find Mr or Mrs “Right” we will be fulfilled.
Big Mistake…..Once we are in a relationship, that is when our true spiritual growth happens, and most times it’s painful.
Why? Because 90% of what we feel in our relationships is a reaction to the wounding from our past.
I wonder what would happen IF we were to look at ourselves and our own reactions as opposed to pointing our finger at the other person
(oops, three fingers are pointing back to ourselves )If we took responsibility for our part in what was not working, maybe that is when our lives could start to change. “The way we see the problem, is the problem.” Stephen Covey
So let me ask you this
· Who hurt /frustrated you when you were young?
· What feelings did you experience over and over again?
· How did you react?
Is there a similar feeling in the present as there was in the past........And a similar reaction?
E.g. withdraw/explode/feel resentment/unworthy/not good enough, etc
So it all boils down to healing our past.
How do we do this?
A great way to begin, is to ask yourself in the midst of that feeling is….
· ”How old do you feel yourself to be?” Just get a sense or knowing of how old you were when the wounding happened.
· And then ask yourself “What did you need?”
Maybe it was recognition/acknowledgment/reassurance/praise/a hug and so on.
Make yourself small enough to fit into the palm of your hand and place your hand in the middle of your chest. See yourself giving to yourself what is was you needed in that moment.
As you start to heal these unresolved hurts from your past, you will start to heal your present day relationships both with yourself and with those around you. And sometimes healing yourself is loving yourself enough to let go of relationships which no longer serves you.
The next really important issue is to look at is your communication style.
Are you so busy formulating your own answers, or defending yourself and your stand, or withdrawing from the disagreement that you are not REALLY listening to your partner?
If you could allow yourself the space to REALLY HEAR what is being said and often what is not being said, your partner might for the very first time ever……FEEL HEARD.
And guess what?.....when we feel heard, we in turn are happier to understand.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” Stephen Covey
Most times neither points of view is “right” or “wrong” When you flip a coin, is heads more right than tails? It is merely our perception clouded from our past, so we make judgements and assumptions based on our “beliefs” which we believe to be true. Ouch!!
And that is exactly how it is for our partner, or anyone else for that matter.
I love the saying “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise what you heard is not what I meant”
Would you like to improve your communication skills or deepen your understanding of your relationship with your partner, give me a call to set up a private session or find out when the next workshop will be?
+27 83 339 1641
Skype: lana333ph
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